


Poor Human.

by firefrog



Category: Cats - Andrew Lloyd Webber, Old Possum's Book of Practical Cats - T. S. Eliot
Genre: Australian spelling, Gen, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-05
Updated: 2016-11-05
Packaged: 2018-08-29 05:49:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 592
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8477656
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/firefrog/pseuds/firefrog
Summary: Is something wrong with the housemates favourite human? Tugger thinks so, and Mistoffelees will have to comfort it!





	

Mistoffelees slipped into his home behind one of his kitchen humans and went to examine the water bowl. Discovering it full of fresh water he drank deeply. 

Thirst satisfied he next went in search of his housemate, finding the Rum Tum Tugger watching their humans from the top of the drawing room curtain.

This was odd, as Tugger was not known for his love of climbing. Alarmed Mistoffelees searched the room for signs of the dreaded younger human called Begentle. This often visiting small human had no respect for any cats dignity and had been known to pursue, forcefully capture and wrap in clothing any animal not fast enough to escape its clutching hands.

While inspecting his surroundings for Begentle activity (scattered household items, traumatised hamsters, half eaten biscuits) the tuxedo was startled by a tap on his shoulder. Tugger greeted him and indicated he should follow the larger cat out into the hall.

There Tugger gave a dramatic shudder and imparted the terrible news he had been waiting all afternoon to share.

“Bootlace is broken!”

Bootlace was the only one of their humans that could grow fur on its face and was thus easily recognisable (Begentle was identified by its tiny stature, but was growing bigger all the time, so who knew how long they would be able to tell it apart from the others).

“How?” Mistoffelees stared through the doorway at their human, it seemed normal enough and was making noises at a newspaper it had found.

“I was taking a nap in the dirt room when it came in and took off its clothes,” Tugger gave a delicate shudder. They were so used to seeing humans clothed that seeing one ‘skin’ itself like that was most disturbing. “And that’s when I saw it!”

Mistoffelees lent forwards. “What?” he asked, playing along with the Tuggers theatrics.

“Bootlace is male!”

“No!” the magical cat was genuinely astonished. 

“It has a pizzle!” Tugger continued, pleased with his audiences reaction. “It’s wrinkled and saggy, and worst of all … it’s broken!”

“Oh, the poor human,” Mistoffelees looked concerned. He had a soft spot for Bootlace, the human had a warm lap and its breath smelt pleasingly of bacon and eggs in the morning. “Was it badly injured? Had one of the other humans hurt it?”

“M’ not sure,” Tugger scratched at an itch behind his ear, he thought he might have a grass seed stuck there, maybe he could talk Misto into getting it for him? “The pizzle dangled downwards, and bounced and jiggled as he walked. It – _he_ , even tried to fix it by winding it up like a clock. He let it swing in a circle several times like a windmill, but it pointed downwards after, still broken. Poor human.” 

There, he had shown sympathy to one of the giant creatures, Mistoffelees liked them and liked it when he said nice things about them. “Misto, could you…,”

“I must go and comfort poor Bootlace, it’s probably in need of a good cry and some consoling cat magic,” Mistoffelees turned to bound away, but stopped and trotted back, reaching over to nip the grass seed from Tuggers fur before going to seek out the injured human.

The Rum Tum Tugger sighed. Mister Mistoffelees was such a good kitten. For a second there he had thought Mistoffelees was going to kiss him. But that could never happen, the other cat was too innocent. Ah well, off to see if he could persuade the kitchen humans to give him something to eat. He was starving.

**Author's Note:**

> The humans Mistoffelees and Tugger live with have household staff, so kitchen humans are the cook and maids. Begentle is a visiting younger cousin. And 'the windmill' is part of the repertoire of every man who has ever lived, although it was made famous by the antics of the young men who perform the stage show 'Puppetry Of The Penis'. Haven't seen it? Get out the DVD - it's a hoot!


End file.
